I Killed My Mother

I died in 2002 at the age of 95. Born in Dallas, I lived there my whole life. I was married to one man for 69 years. My name at birth was Lily Logan, and I married Marshall Lewis. I was known as Lily Logan Lewis.

I currently reside in the cemetery at Hillcrest Mausoleum & Memorial Park. Marshall went there first in 1998, and we are very near Marshall’s older brother, Larry, and his wife, Suzanne. When I died, both of my sons were still living. Now they are both dead.  Neither is buried here at Hillcrest, though they both died in Dallas.

I never really got along with either of my boys, both of whom got married when they were younger. My oldest, Sam, was married to one person his whole life. I never cared for her either, but I liked her eldest daughter, Lorraine. I did not care for Lorraine's younger brothers. All they ever seemed to want from me was money. David, my other son, was married twice while I was alive and once afterwards. He had two kids, both from different wives, and I never really cared for them either.

I always liked Lorraine when she was a child and into her adulthood. She was very smart and always kind to Marshall and me. I liked her husband too, Frank Lambert. She was like me, a “LLL” after marrying him.

When Marshall passed away, Lorraine went to Hillcrest with me to visit him. When I died four years later, she came to my house and saw my body. I think it may have been the first time she ever saw a dead body. She said goodbye to me, and she and Frank were at the funeral. Lorraine also visited me at the cemetery many times. No one else did at all.

I outlived most of the people I knew, and I never had that many friends. I grew up in Dallas, but I was never close with my family. My father and my mother had me in 1907, but my mother died while I was being born. My birth killed her. I was too young to understand what was going on, but my father took a second wife.  She had two kids, my half-brother and half-sister.  They left Dallas, with Jim, the oldest, moving to New York City and Joan moving to Houston. I never got along with either of them. Neither was mentioned in my obituary.

Lorraine and Frank became close with Jim when they lived in NYC. Lorraine never mentioned him or his wife, Ruth, to me. I had no idea how strong their relationship was. Lorraine and Frank, who met in NYC and married while living there, moved back to Dallas several years before I died.

As I said, Lorraine visited my grave frequently. I could hear what she was asking one afternoon: “Grandmommy, why was it so hard for you to click with your family? What was the challenge for you?”

I wished to explain to her about how my mother had died during my birth and how my father had quickly gotten remarried, but I know the rules about the dead: We are not supposed to speak to the living. Lorraine and I had never talked about my past, but I wanted her to know.

I wanted to have the conversation I never had with her or with very many people at all. She was certainly interested, and she deserved to know. I was frustrated that I could not fill her in, but her curiosity drove her to learn about it.

3 years after I was buried, Lorraine said to me when she was visiting me: “Grandmommy, I have always wanted to understand you better. It seems like you had no friends at all and you were not close to your family. I have done some research and think I understand what happened:  Your mother died when you were born.”

I wanted to find out exactly what she had learned and how she had learned it. My sons and I had never talked about this, and it took place before the internet was born by a long time. I learned what happened: Lorraine spoke with Susan Lambert, married to one of of Larry Lambert's kids. She had a fantastic family tree, and she had done the research a while ago.

Lorraine told me how she was so surprised that no one had ever told her about this. She said that she understood how tragic it had felt, and that my father getting married so quickly did not help. I appreciate my granddaughter's learning about how I killed my mother and how it almost killed me.